


On Her Majesty's Secret Strandmon

by soufflegirl91



Series: 007 Fest Creations [10]
Category: James Bond (Craig movies), James Bond - All Media Types
Genre: Gen, IKEA
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-14
Updated: 2019-07-14
Packaged: 2020-06-28 09:15:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 699
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19809274
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/soufflegirl91/pseuds/soufflegirl91
Summary: Bond has to go undercover in IKEA. It goes about as well as you'd expect.





	On Her Majesty's Secret Strandmon

**Author's Note:**

  * For [christinefromsherwood](https://archiveofourown.org/users/christinefromsherwood/gifts).



> Cross-posted to Tumblr.
> 
> For the 007 Fest 2019 anon prompt exchange:  
> Q has to direct Bond through a mission in IKEA; maybe include the following: "You said the cocain was in the purple Lidhult, but there's nothing here!" "Try the Grönlid, 007."
> 
> (Christinefromsherwood, you owned up to the prompt so I'm gifting it to you)

“Explain to me again, Q, why am I wearing this hideous high vis vest?” Trying to look as nonchalant as possible despite the undignified yellow jacket, Bond made his way through the maze of sofas. 

“As I told you before, 007, and the time before that, the only way for you to blend in on this mission is to act like a member of staff. There’s no way anyone could ask you for assistance without blowing your cover, so you had to look like one of the staff members who assembles and maintains the furniture. Hence, the high vis. 

“There, on the left, is that the Ektorp in white?” 

It really was quite disturbing how well Q was pronouncing all of the IKEA product names. No one knew how to pronounce the product names. It was a thing. 

“The Lidhult should be coming up on your right, 007. Opposite the yellow Strandmon." 

Bond approached the purple sofa, smiling apologetically at the couple currently testing it out. They rose with a wobble. He really didn’t know why people wanted these things, they looked terribly uncomfortable.

Now that the sofa was free, Bond went about checking between the cushions, lifting the ottoman and pulling out the sofa-bed. Nothing. He rummaged around under the bottom. Still nothing.

“Q, you said the cocaine was in the purple Lidhult, but there’s nothing here!” Hissing urgently under his breath, Bond went about putting the sofa back into its usual display position, nodding politely at a few passers-by. 

“Try the Grönlid, 007. That’s the only other purple sofa. It should be around the corner, in the room set-up with the black wall shelves.”

Bond really, really hated IKEA. Why couldn’t this mission have gone to 004? What he wouldn’t give to swap places, right now. Moscow in January was better than this. 

“Q, isn’t that the chair you have in the corner of your office?”

“Which, the Poång? Yes, 007, it is. It may be basic, but it’s bloody comfortable. Especially when I’ve been on my feet for 12 hours leading you lot through a mission. Left here, this should be the one.” 

Bond repeated his search on the second purple monstrosity. There! Hidden, taped underneath the pull-out drawer, was the foil-wrapped package he was after. 

“Got it, Q. Now, where’s the note?”

“Intel suggests the coded message is hidden in the Malm, 007. The only problem is that there are 4 Malm beds on display and 11 sets of drawers dotted around. You’ll have to work through systematically.” 

Moscow in January was looking better and better.

Eventually, after searching what felt like the entire shop floor, Bond found the note slipped inside the instruction leaflet of a 3-drawer display model.

“Message intercepted. Tell me where to find the burner phone so that I can get the hell out of here and never come back.” 

Even through the comms, Bond could practically hear Q pinching the bridge of his nose. It had been a long three hours for both of them. 

“You’ll need to head to the self-service area. It’s in with the Brimnes side tables. Aisle 9 locations 21 and 23. You’ll know when you find it, it will be the smallest box on there.”

Somehow, despite the earlier events of this mission, nothing had quite prepared Bond for the self-service area. Shelves stacked ceiling-high with giant cardboard boxes, hardly able to see around any corner, it was a spy's nightmare. Thank God they’d been able to plan this mission for the day before the drug dealer turned international terrorist was meant to be collecting his payment and instructions. 

Approaching the relevant location, Bond went about carefully moving boxes, looking for something smaller. There was nothing to be found. Resisting the urge to swear, Bond peered around the nearby shelves. There, opposite the shelf Q had directed him to, was a small, phone-sized box nestled in amongst what appeared to be wardrobes. Opening the box to make sure, Bond heaved a sigh of relief.

“All present and correct, Q. Commencing extraction.” Maybe he would burn the high vis on the way out.

“Oh, 007? Could you pick up some lingonberry jam on your way out?”


End file.
